what could have been (and what is)
by izukillme
Summary: "I think I could have loved you." - A man who was once a boy, a boy who can't bring himself to be a man, and everything in between.


Junpei's sandaled feet clink against the pavement as they lead him to god-knows-where. He isn't paying attention to his surroundings, just walking, trying to get away from it all. Teppei was worried about him as any good best friend would be, but when he saw the look in Junpei's eyes and remembered the date, he just smiled sadly and let him go.

When Junpei finally slows to a stop, he realises where he is, and his breath catches in his throat.

The lights of the city dance on the shifting waves of the bay, coloured sparks bouncing like fireworks off the water.

It's a sight he knows all too well, a place he's often visited. A place that still, even after five years, tugs at his heart and brings memories rushing to the surface that he's been trying to bury for the last two hours. The memories all run into one, confused flashes of speech and silence and comfort and hurt –

And then a kiss, sliding over everything else in his head, clouding his brain so he can't think any more. Vivid and crystal clear and so goddamn _painful_, the best and only kiss of his entire twenty-four years, so warm and soft it feels like yesterday – feels like _now_, and Junpei reaches up to touch his lips to make sure it's not actually happening right now.

_Of course, it would be here of all the places._ he thinks bitterly. _Of course. Because today is your day, and when has anything I've ever felt not been related in some way to you?_

Because today was the day of a promise, a promise to meet back here after five years if they didn't stay in touch.

Today is the day of a promise he is honouring, even if the other does not. Even if he has moved on from what could have been, whereas Junpei couldn't.

October the twenty-third.

_Turning twenty-three on the twenty-third, you would've joked last year. Twenty-three in 2023, on the twenty-third of October. You'd then go on to complain that there should have been a twenty-third month._

He can almost remember it, as if it really happened. As if all the things that went wrong, _didn't_.

Junpei leans against the safety railing, looking down at the water, watching the sparks fly.

_You always loved those. It was your favourite thing just to stand here and watch the lights on the water, no talking, no joking. Just us, and the night, and the silence, and the light._

He wonders if anything has changed. If _his_ favourite spot in Tokyo remains the same, even after all these years. If, even after all these years, his affinity for words and razor-sharp wit and that smile that always drove Junpei nuts has stayed the same.

The sound of soft steps behind him has Junpei whirling, ready to confront this new person who has disturbed his privacy until –

"Hyuuga?" says Izuki incredulously, and his bright eyes are wide in confusion. "What are you doing here?"

"I could say the same of you," retorts Junpei immediately. Of course, he's shaken up – it's not every day that someone shows up just as you're thinking about them. But he's always had an easy dynamic with Izuki, bantering and play-arguing, just the two of them in their own little world.

Until that kiss.

That kiss, just a simple touch of lips to lips, that simultaneously made Junpei's world and destroyed it.

"I – I haven't seen you in, what, five years?" Izuki steps forward, spreads his arms out. He's wearing a suit, Junpei notices, and his throat stings at that. The Izuki he knew _hated_ formal wear with a passion. The change is surprisingly painful, and he wonders what else is different about this boy – no, this _man_ he used to know.

Izuki notices his stare and laughs, the same tinkling sound that brings back memories of distant summers and promises to stay here under the sun. "I'm wearing a polo under this," he assures Junpei. "I had to meet someone tonight."

Had to meet someone. He says it so casually, like he's moved on from everything that happened between them.

Moved on in all the ways that Junpei hasn't.

"Who's the lucky girl?" he finds himself asking, despite the fact that he knows it will only hurt him more.

Izuki grins. "My boss. Who is _married, _of all the things, to Imayoshi from Tōō. Don't know what she sees in that dead fish."

Junpei sucks in breath, almost relieved to find out that Izuki is _not_ dating a pretty girl.

"What do you do now? Dating someone?" Izuki asks, and Junpei shakes his head.

"I'm not with anyone." he says immediately, a sudden urge to drive home his singleness surging in his veins. "And I – well, your predictions came true. I became a boring businessman. Corporate management at Accenture."

Izuki grins. "See, I'm always right."

"So, you with anyone? How are you doing in general?" Junpei asks, ignoring the lump in his throat.

"Not really, just kind of… jumping around, you know? Me and Coach were actually seeing each other for a while – that's crazy, everyone always thought you were the one for her – and then it just didn't work out. And then I was with Takao, from Shuutoku, for a while – we went to the same college. But that didn't work out either because he had repressed feelings for Midorima, and that was how I started going out with Akashi." Izuki says matter-of-factly.

Junpei has to choke at that one. "_Akashi_?!"

"He wasn't that bad in the beginning. I ended it pretty quickly, though. He started getting… how do you say it? _Yandere_? I called Kagami once, to ask how he was doing-"

_You never called me_, Junpei thinks bitterly.

"-and he flipped out. Threw a table at me. That's when I punched him in the face and told him to get the fuck out of my house."

Junpei shakes his head. "Wow." is all he can say. "So, what do you do?"

"I, uh, I'm a designer. At an advertising company. I design ads. Why do you think there have been so many puns around the city in the past couple of years? Puns are really good for adverts, you know?" Izuki says with a wide smile. He's full of passion, and Junpei can't help but want to be a part of it. Want to be a part of his life so much that it _hurts_. It's painful to watch this, this boy whom he knew and he could have (would have, should have) loved – no, this _man_ now, because Shun Izuki grew up ages ago, leaving Junpei behind – leaving him in the dust. Because Junpei is still a boy, a boy whose body has grown but whose soul remains trapped inside endless summers and unspoken promises and the cage of childhood that refuses to let him go.

Because he needs closure, needs to know if that eighteen-year-old boy who can't let go of a long-forgotten seaside kiss can finally be set free.

"We can't keep ignoring the elephant in the room." Junpei blurts, and immediately wants to take it back.

Izuki raises his eyebrows. "There is no room."

"Stop trying to change the subject." There's no going back now. He has to do this. "You came here for a reason tonight, and so did I."

"Our promise." Izuki says with a sad smile. "I'd never – I'd never break it. I needed to come, tonight. Even if you didn't honour it…"

"I thought I would," Junpei completes for him.

"You know, Hyuuga…" Izuki's voice is soft and quiet, and Junpei's heart stops because the last time he sounded like that – that was the time that changed everything.

"What?" Junpei sounds weak, terrified, and he hates it.

"I think I could have loved you." Izuki says reflectively. "If we'd had the right time, the right place, the right moment – God, I could have loved you." He turns to Hyuuga, and tears glisten in his eyes, lights dancing off of them like they're Tokyo Bay. "I could have loved you, more than I've ever loved anything, more than I've ever loved anyone."

Junpei swallows and says truthfully, "I could have loved you, too. Did love you. When we kissed."

Izuki smiles, nods tearfully. "When we kissed. That was the minute I really think – that was our moment. And – and we lost it. We let it slip past. I still come here at night, to wonder about it. Wonder why I never felt what I felt with you, when I was with anyone else."

"I never really moved on," Junpei confesses, feeling tears prick at his own eyeballs. "Always thinking about what could have been."

"What could have been…" Izuki murmurs, and then he turns to Junpei again. And this time the light in his eyes is real, not just sparks bouncing off the sea. It comes from within, and that's when Junpei knows this, that there has never been anyone else but Izuki – never could be, if they tried. It's just this way, has always been. Him and Izuki, together, meant to be.

Hyuuga-and-Izuki, Izuki-and-Hyuuga. Everyone had been shell-shocked when they announced they were going to different colleges, because as much as Izuki tended to annoy Junpei with his bad puns, no one could cheer him up like the point guard could. No one could drag Izuki out of his moods like Junpei could. Junpei could leave a million things unsaid, not have to speak out loud the words locked in his heart, and Izuki would understand flawlessly what he needed, what he wanted. It was always them as a single unit – and why should their love lives be any different?

"What if we'd had our moment? What if it had been the right time for us?" Junpei asks breathlessly.

Izuki grins, instinctively catching on to his meaning. Just like always. "Maybe it doesn't have to be a 'could'," he breathes, and steps forward.

And then they are kissing, entangled in each other, the whole world theirs and theirs alone, and Junpei dares to think, Maybe this is our moment. Maybe this is the time we were waiting for.

He says as much when they break for air, and Izuki shakes his head. "No more maybes," he says, and his voice is soft. "Our last kiss here was a maybe. And a maybe is what split us apart."

"No more maybes," Junpei agrees, and they kiss again.

And the cage breaks like glass, the boy that he once was set free, dissipating like a ghost into faded memories of painful love-that-could-have-been. The man that he was always meant to be rises upwards, strong and powerful and confident and happy, confident enough to take the initiative unlike last time and kiss Izuki again and again and again, revelling in the sunshine of love-that-is. Relishing the feeling of knowing that from here on out, there will be no more pain, no more anguish over something that he doesn't have.

That from here on out, he has everything he could ever have wanted.

* * *

**Posted on the advice of the wonderful JayMyBoy, and as such you get the dedication for this fic! **

**HyuuIzu deserves more content. Please leave a review and a fav if you enjoyed it! And I love constructive feedback so it's welcomed! Flames will be used as comedy material in family gatherings :D**


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